Picture of Vera Jane Cook

Vera Jane Cook

More Humor and Pathos

More Humor and Pathos

Still hung up on humor and pathos

Historical fiction writer retires from the humor and pathos of the corporate maze into which too many good people get lost. Before I go, I think I should write a book about my last experience where so little humor and too much pathos aptly describes my last “day” job. You see, I have come to the conclusion, after so much pathos and so little humor, that I am absolutely through with that part of the world in which I don’t belong. I think I will call my book something like “When on a Sinking Ship Find the Wine Cellar.” This new book will not be anything at all like my last titles, Dancing Backward in Paradise and Hearts Upon a Fragile Bough. Oh, no, it will be a horror, fantasy. Told with humor and pathos, of course.

I have nothing nice to say about the witches I left behind, the caldron I narrowly escaped. At first, I thought they were all a bunch of friendly grandmothers, who wouldn’t hurt a fly. Well, let me tell you, these plump, suburban looking sweeties had more rev in their engines than a corvette in a no speed zone. Looks are certainly deceiving. They were as ruthless as any bully boy I’ve worked with, and I’ve worked with more than a few of those. When I use the term “ruthless,” I refer to a cold, calculating deadness that personifies their lack of humanity. These pleasant little witches can best be described as sour, limited and lacking in foresight, grace, and overall integrity. Yes, they can teach little children to read, maybe. Or maybe the ego behind their tax shelter merely likes spending money.

I’m glad I’m a writer. I can put it all into a book. That’s right, a fantasy book. Okay, my main character will be Crafty Clarissa, the one with the night terrors. Jeez, am I surprised? If I had her life I’d have night terrors too. She’s really messed up, this crafty little witch. She likes to seek out suckers for her caldron, led there by false promises and desperation. Oh, then there’s Crafty Clarissa’s sidekick. She’s the one that makes the brew for Crafty Clarissa’s caldron. She makes the brew because she can’t really do anything else, aside from talking marvelously on her cell phone. We’ll call her Marvelous Talk. Marvelous Talk lights the fire under Crafty Clarissa’s caldron and cooks all the suckers Crafty Clarissa has lured into the bubbly highly toxic brew.

Then there’s this little elf, a rather annoying little do-gooder who eats the cooked suckers and falls into a swoon before the feet of Marvelous Talk and Crafty Clarissa. We’ll call her Daffy Waffy. She’s really annoying.

As the plot unfolds, we find that Crafty Clarissa emasculates her husband. Are we surprised? Marvelous Talk fantasizes all day that lesbians are everywhere, and perhaps even the Big Honcho Witch, Wow Wow, and her esteemed lackey, Twitchy Bissy, are a very ambiguous item.

Needless to say, Wow Wow and Twitchy Bissy are not really creative enough for lesbian activity but Marvelous Talk swears that lesbians are everywhere. You know, like Gail and Oprah? Betty and Veronica? Calamity Jane? She confides her fears to Crafty Clarissa, who upon hearing this, undergoes an increase in night terrors.

So, as the story progresses, Little elf, Daffy Waffy, accidently falls into the caldron meant for an innocent little four year old, who has developed a stutter from reading too many of Wow Wow’s decodable horror stories. Wow Wow writes horror stories for children because, according to Marvelous Talk, she’s bi-Polar, a real horror, if you get my drift. Well, when poor little Daffy Waffy gets wind of this, she throws herself into Crafty Clarissa’s cauldron and sizzles in hot oil. Needless to say, she’s a goner. But she does manage to toss the dazed four year old to the safety of the fairy tale section of Barnes and Noble.

But don’t fret, this little ditty somehow has a happy ending because the real heroine, Me, (let’s call her Victory Vera) finds the wine cellar. Oh, in the end, Crafty Clarissa and Marvelous Talk are devoured by wild salesmen, who really don’t like amateurs. The slimy little witches were noticed at a Super Duper Reading convention and tossed back into oblivion, where hopefully, they will remain behind the pages of their hooey, gooey word walls.

Now that I’m back in one piece, I’ve decided I really like real estate. When working with a witch, you can refer them out.

Vera Jane Cook

Award Winning Must Read Women’s Fiction. Dancing Backward In Paradise was published in November 2006 and received rave reviews from Armchair Interviews and Midwest Book reviews, as well as an Eric Hoffer and Indie Excellence award in the Literary fiction category for notable new fiction in 2007. Hearts Upon a Fragile Bough, Ms. Cook’s second novel, was published this year and will be followed by its sequel, At the End of a Whisper, in 2010. To learn more about her books you can visit her web site at www.verajanecook.com

To contact the author send an email to jane@verajanecook.com

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